Inside memo leaked to blogger

MEMORANDUM
TO: ACLU Membership
DATE: Dec. 17, 2007
SUBJECT: War on Xmas

My dear Comrades:

By now, you no doubt heard. We have lost.

As Bill O'Reilly wrote last week

The far-left secular progressive community is furious, furious, I tell you about losing the war on Christmas...

All over the country, the sights and signs of Christmas are on display. Few department stores are telling employees not to say a 'Merry Christmas.' And the Taliban like oppression of the holiday has largely ceased, but the SPs (secular progressives) are not happy about that.

It pains me terribly to say it, but Bill O'Reilly...is right. We haven't killed Christmas.

Even though, for the past two years, we had been making such great strides. Oh sure, even as we had been working cleverly behind the scenes at killing Christmas, we had been busy dabbling in protecting the rights of Christians. Remember the 2003 case in which teenagers in Massachusetts were suspended for passing out candy canes with Christian messages? And we defended them? And how about that 2001 "friend-of-the-court" brief filed on behalf of Jerry Falwell defending the right of churches to incorporate in Virginia?

Ahhh, yes, but as you know, that was merely part of the coverup - a way of distracting the proletariat from our eventual success of "Taliban-like oppression." (I'd really like to know how O'Reilly got his hands on that memo.)

So why? Why have we failed? Perhaps, for this, I must take some responsibility. My assertion that nobody takes Bill O'Reilly seriously was a tactical error on my part. But, I mean, come on. Bill O'Reilly? Who would ever have imagined that clown had such influence? Other than him, of course. Obviously, his freedom-fighters in the Wal-Mart aisles were listening. And they responded with demands that Christ's message of salvation will be delivered in Martha Stewart Collection "Trousseau" decorative pillows and Toshiba 42-inch hi-def flat-screen television sets.

As York Daily Record columnist Mike Argento, who has been an undercover agent of ours for years, wrote in his dossier

Saying 'Merry Christmas' used to be a perfectly nice way of wishing someone well. Now, it's uttered like a threat.

But now is not the time for wallowing in failure. Now, is the time to look to the future and foresee the glorious victory that yet awaits us. We must regroup. We remain only 373 shopping days away from Christmas 2008.

By now you've all gotten your information packets outlining next year's talking points. Remember, and I can't stress this enough, it's important to stay on message if we're going to win this.

The official line remains: There is no war on Christmas. The ACLU defends the rights of people of all faiths to worship according to their beliefs.

Talking point No. 1: "The free exercise clause of the First Amendment guarantees the right to practice one's religion free of government interference. The establishment clause requires the separation of church and state. Combined, they ensure religious liberty."

Talking point No. 2: "The ACLU will continue working to ensure that religious liberty is protected by keeping the government out of the religion business."

Some have complained that our tactics are somewhat dishonest in light of the fact that "separation of church and state is a myth."

Fortunately, because we're all Godless heathens, the dishonesty shouldn't be too great a problem. People, must I remind you? It's about moral relativism. The end justifies the means. If you're still confused by this, I suggest you read the Discovery Institute's famed Wedge document (PDF). It gives a great overview of the importance of setting aside one's morals for the long-term greater good.

And on that note, don't forget, Thursday is the second anniversary of Judge Jones' Dover decision in which intelligent design received such an outstanding pillorying. There remain only three more shopping days left until the holiday. For those still searching for a perfect gift for your children, may I suggest that Karl Marx's The Communist Manifesto makes a great stocking stuffer?

Merry Kitzmas to all.

Lauri in York

Wanted: Rational debate

Earlier this month, Miami Herald columnist Andres Oppenheimer wrote an interesting piece on the realities of U.S. immigration policy. He addressed what he considers to be the economic and social dangers of having a large group of people forced into an exiled status in the country in which they were raised.

From Oppenheimer's column on the subject:

You may have violated a rule, but that should not make you an 'illegal' person. You may have gotten a ticket for speeding, but that doesn't make you an 'illegal' human being, even if the potential harm of your reckless driving is much greater than anything done by most of the hard-working undocumented immigrants in this country.

Carrying out enforcement-only policies, labeling undocumented workers as 'illegals' and depriving them of hope for upward mobility -- rather than working toward greater economic cooperation with Latin America to reduce migration pressures -- is not only wrong, but dangerous. The millions of undocumented among us will not leave. They will only get angrier.

So, Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly learned of the column. And in the interest of public discourse and rational debate, he offered a well reasoned and thoughtful assessment, laying out a lucid analysis of why Oppenheimer was wrong. (OK, I'm just kidding about that part. But you probably already guessed that.) No, no. The transcript is here. Mr. O'Reilly responded by calling Mr. Oppenheimer a "nut job" and a "crazy columnist." Certainly can't argue with the logical nuance and depth of understanding he brings to these thorny and complex legal issues.

Also, Laura Ingraham, who was on the show commenting, said it seemed like Oppenheimer was trying to incite a race war. (The woman really needs to work on her reading comprehension. He doesn't say that at all.) Here is Oppenheimer's response to the accusation. Notice how he actually responds to the issues. And no matter what your position is on the immigration issue, his points are an important reminder that this is a not something that will be solved with simplistic and pat responses.

Lauri in York

Wrestlemania, eight days later

Geraldo Rivera calls out Bill O'Reilly for exploiting a drunk driving case in Virginia to make a cheap point about illegal immigration. Classic.



But did anyone have to have their head shaved at the end of this segment?

Andy in Harrisburg